First John, let me start off by saying that you are quite possibly the number one fan of this website. According to my stat counter, you've visited here a lot. Hundreds of times even! But then last week I read one of your statements on another website where you claim to be Steve Via's number one fan! I was a little hurt inside. Kind of like a tiny little dagger was stuck into my soul. A tiny little blade that was POISONED by your VICIOUS LIES and TRAITOROUS statements. But then I shed a tear and all was well.

Okay then, lets begin the interview:


1. Seriously, you know that I'm trying to get more and more visitors to this site. Do you have any suggestions on how I could make the site better without adding naked women?

We all know that adding a little nudity to a website will increase traffic. Unfortunately you start attracting the wrong kind of people to the site. For example, say if you post a picture tagged as “Hot Redhead”. I'm absolutely positive that a close friend of mind (some bald pervert with the initials J.L.) will find it during his extensive searching on the net for the perfect redhead. That being said, my suggestion would be to innovate. Start a thumbnail gallery featuring “Extremely Clothed” redheads. That will most certainly keep the previously mentioned sicko types from visiting. As for improving the existing site…more jokes on Aaron Zane, he never visits.

2. Before I started this website, I never really liked you John, but now you are okay. Do you wanna' kick my ass now?

Well, Derek. I could lie to you and say I've always liked you but that just wouldn't be the case. To be honest, I'm just doing this interview as a favor to A.Z. He’s been paying me to visit your site and be nice to you on a daily basis. Since you decided to stop wearing deodorant and eating one whole onion a day, you've become rather pungent and repulsive. Personally, I think its a nice gesture on his part. Making sure his buddy doesn't become a social outcast. So yes, I do wanna kick your ass. (Continued in question 3)

3. So who would you rather fight to the death: Me, J.P. Morgan, or Yoko Ono?

Definitely you. Why? I'm a 5 week veteran of the United States Airforce. You are a Marine Corps vet who has seen action. Sounds like an even fight to me. I can almost feel your boot crushing my larynx now…….

4. You have a really good sense of humour, and with the birth of your daughter recently, I sense that you have become more of a family man. How did becoming a parent change your outlook on life? Have you noticed a shift in your belief systems or attitudes toward the way you view life?

Along with the birth of my daughter Alexis came the realization that I was put on this earth to do one thing. Be her Father. The way I look at life now is much more optimistic. I'm seeing the world again through the eyes of a child. Nothing, and I truly mean nothing, beats the feeling I get when she says “Daa-Dee”

5. John, I for one have never been in a Turkish prison. Can you name one instance when you should have been incarcerated? Please share a little bit of information on how one should mentally prepare oneself for the slammer? (Slammer is used as a noun in this instance, not as a verb)

There was this one time when a buddy of mine punched a jogger in the back of the head while hanging out the window of my 1965 Chevy. We had skipped school and were just messing around until this most unfortunate event happened. I seemed like a harmless dare. “Hey dude. I dare ya to hit that jogger in the back of the head while we drive by” “Uh..ok” BAM! THUD! The poor guy didn't know what hit him. One minute jogging without a care in the world, the next thing he knows, he's face down in the bike path. We thought we killed him. We were so scared, we snuck back in to school. As for preparing for the slammer, I'd say the number one thing you need to prepare mentally for is to learn to speak in multiple voices and dialects. As your walking the yard, hold conversations with yourself. Here's and example. British accent “Good God. Its a trifle hot out here today” Mexican “It eez, it eez” Childs voice in New England Accent “Its nayer this warm in glouster, eh” When the other inmates observe this, they're sure to steer clear of you.

6. If you could ride atop a ham sandwich, why would you enjoy it so much?

Why would you ask such a question?! Did someone tell you what happed the last time I tried to ride a ham sandwich?! I bet it was that Lankow guy! How was I to know I was allergic to pumpernickel bread? My butt still itches just thinking about it!

7. I'm not much of an interviewer. Don't you think that Jennifer Altstadt would do a better job at this than me?

There's no doubt in my mind. She would most likely offer me a cold beer also.

8. She has really pretty eyes, doesn't she?

…as blue as the morning sky….

9. This one may be tough, but just give us an honest answer. If you had to give up chewing your food, how would it effect your daily living?

Honestly, not much. I pretty much live on a steady diet of coffee, Coke, nicotine, and Raman noodles. You don't need chew any of those.

10. At what age did you discover the meaning of the word "hiatus"? What repercussions were felt throughout your family and friends' lives because of this discovery?

I believe it was the summer of 1976. Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday.
“Mommy, Mommy, its 7 o'clock. Time for Fonzie”
“No honey, Happy Days isn't on tonight. Their on hiatus”
“Wheats that mean hiatus mommy?”
“It means that Fonzie is taking a break”
“No Fonzie tonight Mommy” I sobbed.
“That's right Johnny, no Fonzie”
screaming “I want Fonzieeeeeeeee!!!!!”

11. Do you worry about North Korea's development of nuclear arms? How do you think that the western-world should react to the threat of Kim Jong-il and his bid to become a super-power?

To prevent the proliferation of nuclear arms in other countries, the solution is simple. MOAB …For those of you unfamiliar, the MOAB, short for Mother Of All Bombs, is the largest conventional bomb in the U.S.’s arsenal. A couple dozen, well placed MOAB’s would certainly go far in convincing “Kimmy” (as I like to call him) to change his mind about world domination.

12. How were you when you were a child? Were you breast fed? They say that babies who drink natural milk grow up to be healthier than bottle fed babies. I imagine that you still hit the bottle every once in a while.... but how were you as a kid? Were you a little terror or a mother's dream?

Its funny that you would ask me that. My mother and I were discussing this very subject this past weekend. Seeing my daughter develop her own personality prompted me to inquire what I was like. Apparently I, like my daughter, for the first year was very well behaved. Slept all night, didn't get sick, very good disposition. Then I learned how to walk. Mom says I'm now paying for my upbringing. She said I was spanked so many times she developed callous on her palm. Mainly for talking back and playing with fire. I think the spankings did me good. I turned out ok. As for my daughter, I do believe in spanking….as long as my wife does it.

13. I think that Indiana Jones would win in a fist-fight with Han Solo. Do you agree?

That depends if sidekicks get involved. With Chewbacca by his side, Han would destroy Indiana Jones and his little oriental sidekick from the 2nd movie. If they had to fight solo (pun intended) Indiana would take him.

14. Have you ever laughed so hard that you actually crapped your pants, John?

Not since college. I found out the hard way the side effects of Jaegermeister and prune juice shots.

15. Tell us something about yourself that few people know. Are there any surprises in the person that is John Schaljo?

Very few people know how shy and insecure I really am. I put up a good front. It also surprises people to find out that I attend church regularly. I also can literally be moved to tears just by listening to certain music.

16. Sometimes you feel like a little fish in a big ol' friggin pond, don't you? WELL, DON'T YOU??!!

Most of the time I feel like a big cow pie in a small pasture.

17. I have three gifts in the trunk of my car. One is big and heavy (2.5' x 3.5' and 120lbs.) in a red cardboard box. One is medium sized and light (about 1.5' x 1' & about 2lbs.) in a shiny metallic green box, and one is small and light (3" x 3" & only a couple of oz.) in a velvet black box. Knowing only this information, which would you choose?

I pick the medium sized box. The reason is this. Your thinking I'm going to pick the big box because it's only natural to think bigger is better. It's probably 120lbs of used chewing gum. Or, maybe you are using reverse psychology to get me to pick the small box. Which, by your description, leads me to think that it's something ultra cool like a new stainless steel spike for my prince albert piercing. So, I pick the logical choice, the medium sized one. Unless your trying to use double reverse psychology and trying to make me think myself into choosing that one. MMMM? I wonder what it is…..

18. Awww..... That is friggin' NASTY!!!! Why would you choose that? Why in God’s name would you choose the box containing the little dead puppy?!! You are sick! What do you have to say about yourself, young man?

...and my question to you is What in the hell are you doing with a dead puppy in your trunk?

Christ, dude.... it was a gift. Chill out.

19. Any suggestions on who I should try and interview next?

I think maybe you should start an interview chain letter. You know…20 questions then pass it on. The 1st person to break the chain will be cursed with 7 years of looking in the mirror and seeing Aaron Zane’s face. Unless it's Aaron that breaks the chain interview. If that's the case, just kick him in the nuts.

20. Well, we've made it to the last question without really talking about any of your "deviant behaviors". That's pretty impressive, isn't it? Well, I hope your happy.

I've spent way to much time on this interview that I could have been doing something productive. So where is the free Fleshlight that you promised me??


Site Designed By Madhaus Creative Services.
Site Hosted By BSpeedy.com.
Copyright 2004. Madhaus Creative Services. All Rights Reserved. No images or content shall be used without consent.